First you, Then you, Then everyone else July 28, 2011

Do You Love You?

I’ll admit it. I am a full fledged member of the Sex and The City religion. My patron saint Carrie never lets me down. Every time I flip the channels and stop at a Sex and the City episode there is always a correlation with my life. For example, the other night I was lying on my bed, flipping the channels and stopped as I see Samantha (Patron saint of sexually promiscuous women everywhere) running up a set of stairs, pearl thong in hand, thinking she’ll catch her beau (Richard) with another woman. The entire episode she’s paranoid because Richard has cheated on her before and finally, out of breath from running up the stairs, pearl thong still in hand, she realizes this is ridiculous. “I love you, but I love me more” she tells him and ends things before she loses her mind completely.

Earlier that day, I was on the bus home from Trader Joe’s when two women in their early twenties sit down next to me. I overhear one tell the other “I just would never want to be a girlfriend. I am always the lover and I like it that way.” The other answers “Yeah cause men cheat on women anyway so why even bother.” I sat there dumbfounded (I also sat there pretending I wasn’t being nosy).

Seriously? What are the benefits of coming second in someone’s life? I get the mentality. The other woman gets the sex, the conversations, the occasional dinners and none of the responsibility. But you’re also dealing with a man who knowingly puts your health at risk having sex with multiple women. Who doesn’t respect his partner and ultimately doesn’t respect you. That doesn’t sound like someone I want to put my time and energy into. And then I think of Samantha. “ I love you, but I love me more” and wonder if this is just a matter of loving ourselves a little bit more than we love everyone else.

I’ve seen many women get caught up and disguise what they really want with excuses and false bravado. Saying “I’m going to stay at this job because I’m comfortable.” When they really mean, “I’m scared if I apply for something better because I might be turned down.” Saying “Well if he really wanted to be with her, he wouldn’t be with me right now. When they really mean “I wonder when he’s going to leave her and if he loves me more.”

This is a matter of self esteem. We should nurture that and teach it from the time we’re little girls to the time we are adult women. When I was a little girl my mom used to always repeat this mantra whenever I got into trouble. “ Primero yo, despues ustedes, y el que venga de ultimo. Tu no me vas a volver loca.” Translation: Me first, then you guys (her daughters) and whoever else is last. You’re not going to drive me crazy. Whatever I did she was not taking personal. I used to think “ Damn mom, you are so selfish putting yourself before your children!” I didn’t get it until I was older. You should put yourself first. You should love yourself enough to look out for your best interest. As a teenager she would repeat “You first, You second, and then everyone else.”

I know someday if I ever have a daughter I will repeat the same mantra to her. She will know not to be second to anyone, not even herself.

What do you think? Do you love you?

Stereotypes: The ” down there” edition July 21, 2011

 

Hail to the V campaign

 

I love vaginas. Let’s try that again. I love women. Wait, let me start from the beginning.

 

 

Growing up I remembered two things to be true. Number one, that a bad day can be cured by having a bag of skittles and number two that I could do anything a boy could. The first still holds true (skittles just make me happy). The second I learned over time was not 100% accurate. I can’t use the bathroom standing up and whether we think it’s fair or not a woman still earns about 75% of what men make (read the march 2011 report here). However, I have always been a fan of girl power and consider myself an advocate for women.

 

This is probably how I ended up working at a women’s clinic as my day job. Not only a women’s clinic but one that serves a large Latina and Black population and at the end of the day I want to do something positive for my community. This is why I say I love vaginas. Every week without a doubt a woman walks in and has a random question about hers. I’ve heard everything from “my boyfriend says that I should get plastic surgery because mine doesn’t look like those women in the porn he watches” to “Well, my friend said that if I boil this plant it makes everything get tight all over again.”

 

It’s safe to say that whether we talk about it or not we do think about what’s going on “down there” and apparently advertising agencies know this too. Which brings me to the point of this post.  Summer’s Eve “ Hail to the V” campaign. A campaign that urges women to try Summer’s eve feminine wash and wipes. Not only do they have a hand mimicking a vagina but they have an ad especially for Latinas (they also have a black and white version as well).

 

This ad is filled with every stereotype you can think of. Latinas are a baby making machine? (“I perform miracles, like that whole giving birth thing.”) Check.  We are always spicy, hot and sexy? (“Trash that tacky leopard thong”) check. Don’t forget the breaking into a fast paced I- can- hardly –understand- what -she -says Spanish when we’re angry or the accented English.

 

Hail to the V could have been something that makes women feel good about themselves. Especially when many of us have grown up thinking that we have to be squeaky clean at all times and we should do special things to make us “cleaner”.  Like using a douche (rinsing out with water or a special solution).  Every gynecologist I’ve worked with has told our patients that they should not do it. It can cause irritation and inflammation of vaginal tissues, which make it easier for STDs and HIV to set up shop in our bodies. It also disrupts the natural balance of bacteria and yeast in which can cause an infection (what to know more? click)

 

Instead Hail to the V is a caricature, reinforcing stereotypes and turning consumers off from actually buying their products. Personally, that hand mimicking a Latina vagina does not make me want to run out and buy the product. Perhaps I’m over reacting. You decide. Here’s the commercial:

 

 

 

What do you think? You can also check out the Black and White versions of this commercial over at huffington post.

The Straight Forward Friend July 20, 2011

via lipmag.com

 

For better or for worse I have always been the friend who tells it like it is. A few years ago a good friend was heartbroken over unrequited love. Heartbreak is one of those emotions that cripple and paralyze you and every time she was upset all I wanted to say was “ It sucks. I know. But he just doesn’t like you.”  So I did. Ok, fine. I could have worked on the delivery but sometimes tough love is the only way to get through.

A few years after that, I was sitting at an all you can drink brunch with a couple of my closest friends. We sat on some tall bar chairs, looked at our menus while I tried to decide whether I wanted unlimited bellinis or just one mimosa with brunch. Meanwhile, one of my friends caught us up on her dating life. I tried to focus on my menu and keep the first thought that popped up from slithering out my lips. Except it slipped. “I think you should date other people. Why put all your eggs in one basket?”  She looked at me with an expression that said “Well what if that’s the basket I want?!” I caught myself, “I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have said that.” But it was too late.

I promise you, in both of those stories my friends appreciated my honesty. Maybe not when I said it but in the long run they were glad I wasn’t a “yes woman”. A person who agrees with everything even though they feel differently.

The question is, why can’t I be that person to myself?

I asked myself this question as I ran 6 miles at the gym. I’ve never run that much without stopping midway but the question kept me moving. I asked myself this because lately I’d been feeling insecure. What is there to be insecure about when you know how much you’re worth? What is there to be insecure about when you believe at the bottom of your heart that the choices you make are in your best interest?

As I hit the 5 mile mark it comes to me. Insecurity? That feeling of I’m I not good enough. The feeling that makes you question everything around you? This is the same thing that can break you. Even when your gut tells you that you know better. Like a huge neon sign I saw the answer. Always go with your gut. Always go with the little voice that tells you that you know better.

That’s the way to be the person who tells it like it is to yourself. We tend to ignore the little voice that tells you that something or someone is not good for you. The voice that tells you that you can reach your goals and not to give up.

Of course no matter how many times I know this to be true. It’s always easier to give advice then take it.

An ode to Summer July 18, 2011

Summer In new York, from nysun.com

 

I have a love affair with New York City summers. I anticipate them with the same excitement I did when I was in elementary school. Back then, summers meant sleeping in, going to pools and begging my mother for middle of the week sleepovers at my cousin’s house. Summers seemed to last forever. But nothing solidified my love more than the summer after sophomore year of college.

Right before summer began I was miserable. My grades suffered after a school year where friendships ended and so did my relationship with a boyfriend. I somehow found a way to convince myself that I was to blame for everything awful happening to me. Obviously, the only solution to this was to sit on my mother’s plastic sofa and feel sorry for myself.  That worked out really well until my mother reminded me that I needed a summer job to buy books for my upcoming junior year. I peeled myself off the couch and found a job working retail in Union Square. Have you ever worked retail? In New York? It’s top three on my list of “jobs I’m pretty sure were invented by terrible, evil, un-fun people.”

 

What was turning out to be the worst summer of my 20 year old life actually became the summer where I learned 3 valuable lessons.

 

The first is to be able to enjoy your own company. How can anyone else know how absolutely amazing, phenomenal and fun you are when you don’t even know that yourself. That summer I went to anywhere and everywhere I wanted to. Regardless of whether someone wanted to come with me or not. If there was a free summer concert I wanted to see, I went. If there was a movie out that everyone thought would be terrible but I secretly wanted to see, I was there. I was my favorite date. It taught to me to be confident enough that I don’t need a group or a co sign to do or go after what I want.

 

Number two is to give people second chances. Do so for the people that deserve it. We’re all human and sometimes we are bound to do something that hurts someone feelings. Or say something that we don’t mean. That summer a friendship I thought would come to an end actually turned into one of the best friendships I have to this day. Some people are worth it. I know I still cherish all the people who gave me a second chance when I thought I didn’t deserve one.

 

The final lesson is that change is a good thing. People in general are afraid of change. We become so used to our routine that to change it, to venture into the unknown is terrifying. But with change comes growth and if you’re not growing you’re dying.  Take a chance and you’ll be surprised at what you can accomplish.

 

The lessons I learned that summer in 2004 I carry with me in 2011. The last few weeks I’d been feeling overwhelmed with family, work and everything I want to accomplish. Then I remembered it was summer. And even though summers don’t last forever anymore I can’t help but love them and what I learn every time.