this is hard. work. October 26, 2010

awww how sweet?

I’m very lucky that I get to live in New York City. At any given moment and in any given situation you are surrounded by a plethora of different people. It’s not unusual to be in a train sharing a cart with an old man, a new mother, someone playing an instrument and asking you for money, a business man, a teenager of all different races and all in the same cart you are.

I feel spoiled .I have learned to get along with all different people and judge people by who they are. Not necessarily what they look like or what they do. This brings me to the big realization I had this weekend:

Relationships are hard.

The Significant Other and I are in an interracial relationship. That has never been an issue. Don’t get my wrong; it’s not that I’m oblivious to it. It just doesn’t seem to matter that much. Our issues consist of harder things than whether people stare at us when we’re walking down the street. Our issues are about spending time and communication. More importantly letting someone really get to know you—in all your dark and twisty glory.

Trust me. This is hard.

For example, I have been known to think that I am always right. No, but seriously I am right 97% of the time. That’s pretty good (if you know me personally, please refrain from commenting. Kthanks). My significant other is also known to believe he is right at as well. Do you understand how difficult it is to find a compromise between two hard headed people?

A few months back we are in a cab on our way home from going out for drinks. It’s 130 in the morning and he’s on the phone with a mutual friend.

“Hey, you wanna stop by and visit mutual friend?” he asks

(I really don’t feel like going at all but what do I say?)

“Sure, we can do that”

This is obviously a perfect example of not communicating. This also the reason we both had a terrible time. I try to apologize for not telling him I didn’t want to go. He tries to let me know how completely wrong I was for doing that. Keep in mind we both like to be right.

Me: I apologize. That was the right thing to do!

Him: No, the right thing to do is just saying what you wanted to do in the first place.

Relationships. Are. Hard.

But even through the silly arguments and the different personalities coming together you learn how to work through things. If you really want something to work you have to put in work. Eventually the hard parts are just a little bump in the road. The person eventually becomes your best friend. We all know what a best friend is right? Someone you like to hang out with. Someone who shares your likes and dislikes. Someone who you trust and whose opinion and person you respect. Someone who listens to you and you can’t wait to share things with.  Someone who has your back through the tough times and when you’re being silly. Basically, someone you love even in those times when you don’t like them very much.

I’d like to think that the significant other and I are well on our way to being that for each other. I hope that you are working towards that or if you haven’t found that, that you will.

Chilean miners: the mistress saga October 14, 2010

 

hmm I wonder how his wife feels about this?

By now I’m sure everyone has heard of the trapped Chilean miners. If you haven’t heard of it, 33 miners were trapped after the upper galleries of the San Jose mine near the northern town of Copiapó, collapsed on august 5th. The most incredible part of the story is that all the miners survived. It truly is a testament of the human spirit and the things we can survive.

Touching story right?

That is until one hears the story of Yonni Barrios. Barrios was having an affair behind the back of his wife of 28 years, Marta Salinas. Salinas apparently knew nothing of the affair until the two women ran into each other during a candle light vigil held by family members. In true jerry springer fashion the women went at it.

(Excerpt from the associated press)

The 50-year-old Barrios looked around sheepishly Wednesday as he emerged from the rescue tube that elevated him to the Earth’s surface, peering through dark glasses as mining officials in red shirts applauded loudly.

Behind him, smiling widely and waiting for him to notice her stood Valenzuela. When he didn’t, the round-faced strawberry blonde walked around to face Barrios and gave him a long kiss and hug, weeping into the shoulder of his jumpsuit as he whispered into her ear.

Salinas was nowhere to be seen.

Weeks earlier, Barrios’ wife had ripped down a poster of her husband put up by his mistress.

Defiant, the mistress taped the poster back up, and beneath several poems and prayers she had dedicated to him, she signed it, “Your Wife.”

First of all no one wants to find out their significant other is cheating on them during a time of crisis. I’m not the kind of person to cause a scene. However, every person involved in the affair would be called everything but a child of God.

Did I mention these ladies are 57 (wife) and 50 (mistress)?

wife

mistress

 

It’s like no matter how old we get the reaction is always the same. Heartbreak feels the same whether we are 15 or 55. When I was a teenager I couldn’t wait to be in college. I wouldn’t have to deal with teenage boys who were sooo immature. When I was in college I couldn’t wait to leave and deal with men in the real world. Now I read this article and think, what the hell? Is this for real? Are we really going to have to deal with this all the way to my elderly years?

I’m going to believe in positive thinking. I’m going to believe that these are just a few bad apples that don’t grow up and that we are all destined not find prince charming. And that those who don’t grow up and think having affairs is the way to go…. Get trapped in mines for 69 days.  What can I say? I believe in Karma.

Laundromats and washing machines October 8, 2010

   

 

 

 

Laundry? it drives me crazy.

If there is one thing I don’t like to do its laundry. Not because I don’t know how to do it, but because it is a tedious shore. When I used to live in my previous apartment the Laundromat was on the corner. I would grab my laundry bag and be at Laundromat in two minutes flat. It was never full and there wasn’t the threat of someone stealing my clothes if I left for a few minutes.

 

That was two years ago. Since then I moved to a neighborhood that doesn’t provide me with the same laundry comforts. These days my bougie factor has gone up 11 billion points. I walk into the Laundromat, bag in hand. I put it on the counter, hand it over to the laundry lady, take my receipt and come back in a few hours. My laundry is folded and clean.

 

I know what you’re thinking. How lazy are you?! But let me explain. Where I live now the Laundromats are ruthless. Older Dominican ladies push you, have no problem taking out your clothes, or giving you a side eye for using “their machine”. Have you met Dominican older ladies?? You don’t want to mess with them. Since I’m a lover, not a fighter I choose the peaceful route. Handing it over to Laundromat lady and letting her deal with the Dominican Grandma’s.

 

Except, this can get very, very expensive. So imagine my surprise when my roommate walked in one day and said her mother knew someone who wanted to give away their washer and dryer. It’s like someone went in my head and decided to make my dreams come true. This doesn’t happen very often. I can only think of two times before this very moment when my dreams came true. 1) When I found a wine a chocolate bar in the city and 2) when Urban Girl Squad had a cupcakes, candy and wine tasting.

 

 

This past Monday we had the washer and dryer installed. My other roommate and I couldn’t wait to try it out and quickly put it to the test. We looked left and right frantically searching for an item. Then our eyes fell on two washcloths. We grabbed them and put them in the washing machine.

 

You can’t imagine the happiness, excitement and sheer joy we felt as the machine filled with water. We were standing right in front of it when…. it stopped. Nothing happened. We opened up the washing machine and noticed it was filled to the top with water, while two small washcloths floated aimlessly.

 

How heartbreaking. Our washing machine doesn’t… wash. Oh it spins… and drains… and fills with water. But washing? No… it’s too good for that. Believe me; we tried everything to make it work. Kicking it, shaking it, telling it to pretty please wash. Finally, we decided to try it with our curtains. The end result? Super soapy, wet, still dirty curtains.

 

Which we put in our dryer …. Because we’re too lazy to go to the Laundromat and fix this fiasco. Now we have very hard, dry, curtains in our living room.

 

Please enjoy my misfortune.

 

Ps. I also forgot to put the exhaust tube out the window. So the living room was filled with small laundry particles. Oops.

 

 

washing machine full of dirty, wet, not washed, curtains

 

 

loading, wet soapy curtains into the dryer

 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 

  

exhaust pipe... inside the apartment

 

  

BONUS: This is NYC, we have to put our dryer in the living room because there isn’t enough space. So we turned our dryer into a table! what do you think?

  

dryer table!

 

Don’t act like a girl… act like a woman October 6, 2010

 

Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office

 

I often read the personal blog A Belle in Brooklyn. It’s a personal blog written by Demetria Lucas who has a book coming out next summer (I’m buying it, you should too). She talks about everything from dating and relationships to social issues.  One blog post mentioned her favorite books. I skimmed down the list and saw the title “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office.” It’s a book detailing 101 mistakes women do subconsciously to sabotage their career.

I’ll be honest. Many times I don’t know what I want to do with myself.  At first, I wanted to be a doctor but after volunteering in an emergency room, I realized that it was not the career for me. Then I wanted to be a writer but wasn’t so sure how I would go about doing that. Plus, I wasn’t confident enough to have people read what I wrote and judge me (now, now let’s be serious, you have insecurities too). I wanted to win the lotto, though I never play it so we all know that plan wasn’t going to work out. Then I wanted to find a kind person who took pity on me and wanted to take care of me the rest of my life (still working on that one). So to say that I have a career would be a stretch.

Someone once told me that to find your passion you should figure out what you’d do for free. Then turn that into your career. I’m still trying to figure that out. This made me apprehensive to read the book to begin with.

One day my roommate walked in with the book in her hand. She had received it as a gift because she is starting her own jewelry business. As soon as she was done with the book I picked it up. What’s the first thing you learn from the introduction? STOP ACTING LIKE A GIRL AND ACT LIKE A WOMAN.

move on from this

I’m not yelling at you. I’m just trying to get the point across. We have been socialized as women to be nice, sweet and approachable, well liked.  Honestly, who doesn’t want to be all those things? That sounds like someone I’d want to be friends with in a heartbeat. However, that’s not what’s going to get us ahead in business. Neither is acting like a man. Many women tend to retain characteristics of girlhood well into their adult years.

It’s not our fault exactly. It’s the way the world chooses to freeze us. My man, my girl, girls like to have fun, men get advice on how to get girls, good girls aren’t loud. You get the picture. Subconsciously, we do things that show that. For example, asking your boss if you can take a day off.  Ms. Frankel, the author ,states that we are socialized to get approval before taking a step— any step. The thing is that children, not adults, ask for permission to do perfectly rational things. Your boss is not your parent. Instead of asking, we should make a statement instead of seeking approval. Such as, “I cannot come in on Friday”.

The book is an eye opener. Full of tips and tricks to prevent you from making those little mistakes that go unnoticed. Let’s face it; we live in a world where men make the rules. But, this is not a reason to throw a pity party. It’s a reason for us to learn to play the game and do it better. It’s about mastering the art of being a woman and having your needs met.

I give this book: 4 purple books out of 5:

Mexi-can! October 5, 2010

 

 

mi casa es su casa

 

“At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that’s how we’re made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here’s what I know. If you’re willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side… is spectacular.”—Meredith “Grey’s anatomy”

I love Grey’s Anatomy. Sure, at one point I couldn’t stand the writing of the show. But recently, they have been taking the writing back to a more familiar Grey’s. The reason I like it so much is because some quotes just make so much sense no matter where you are in life. Take the quote above. Meredith was obviously talking about something hospital related. I’m going to talk about my trip to Mexico.

Doesn’t make sense with the quote? Let me explain.

I once took a race relations class in college. Why? Because we are hounded by race everywhere we go. We wake up to race talks, we’re aware of what race we are; it’s always present in this politically correct world. At my campus it was a very big issue and it seemed every department had some sort of class focused on it.  One day in class the professor asked the class to separate into groups with others in the class you have more in common with.

The Jews made one group. The Caribbean blacks another. “Regular black” (their words not mine) made up another cluster. When the class had divided completely all the Spanish speaking students made up one group. The teacher asked “why are you all in a group”. Someone responded “because we are all Latino.” Then the teacher said “Does Ella who is Dominican have a lot in common with El from El Salvador?” I thought to myself, hmmm I do have language in common with these people. But culturally, I probably have a lot more in common with someone else who is from the Caribbean.

You see just because we all speak the same language doesn’t mean we all have that much in common. Or that we do things the same way.  Shocking. I know. So, please keep this in mind when I tell you that I grew up in a Dominican household that was mostly anti Mexican. A lot of it is ignorance. Another part of it, is that those in my family didn’t really know anyone from Mexico and took stereotypes as truths.

So When I mentioned one of the stops on my cruise was Mexico, I didn’t get many well wishes. Instead, I got told tales about a friend of friend who went to Mexico and was kidnapped. I also got, a friend of a friend who went to Mexico and was robbed. Or my personal favorite “Si te cortaron los dedos dile que no los manden aqui. Que aqui no hay dinero, ellos estan practicando.”

Translation: If they cut your fingers don’t have them send them to us. There is no money here. Tell whoever grabs you that they’re going to be using you as practice not for real money.

Great.

So you can imagine my surprise that when I got to Mexico and had and amazing time. The people were very sweet and helpful. I was going to have lunch at the most touristy spot in Mexico, Margaritaville or Señor frogs. However, as I was asking the taxi to take me and the Significant Other there I remembered that I speak Spanish! Instead I asked him to take me to his favorite spot….. as long as it was in a safe place, in the middle of town. What?! I know it’s silly that they’ll cut my fingers off but you can never be too sure… and I’m scared of everything.

yum!

The result: An amazing time at a fabulous restaurant. Lobster, steak, rice, salad, guacamole, chips, garlic bread, Chicken and rice in mole (mo-lay) sauce, 5 beers and a piña colada for 40 dollars (tip included). An equally amazing time was had walking along the main road speaking with the people and shopping. More importantly, everyone was polite and everyone boarded the cruise ship with all 10 fingers and toes.

It’s funny how the way you grow up can shape you. We are all ignorant in one way or another. The best way to combat that is to go out there and learn. Do things for yourself. Meredith was right in the quote above. If you’re willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side… is spectacular.

entertainment while you dine

what's a trip to mexico without tequila

the marriage chronicles (finale) October 4, 2010

Time to Shop... except I wasn't so happy

I frantically try to send a message to Allie. I’m having a panic attack. In between deep breaths I type that the dress doesn’t fit. (Sidenote: don’t ever have a panic attack in your office. Everyone passes by and stares at you, kinda like the zoo) Allie responds: “don’t worry about it. We can meet tomorrow and take care of this in one day. I’ll take to Bloomingdale’s in midtown because I don’t know the layout of the other one.” 

Hearing those words immediately calms me down. You see, allie is not kidding when she says she knows the layout of Bloomingdale’s. Allie is what I call a stylist shopaholic. She not only knows what stores to shop at she also knows the layout of your closet. Creepy? Yes. But very, very useful.

I meet Allie and Mai for a little brunch before shopping. I love New York City brunches. They’re very Sex and the City. Good food, mimosas and the conversation inevitably turns to men. What we like and don’t like. Why on earth everyone on facebook is getting married. Are we supposed to be thinking this too? All of a sudden it’s 5 pm. No shopping has been done but we are feeling very happy after the mimosas.

yes those are the actual mimosas we had. No, that is not a regular sized champagne flute.

 

Allie calls us to action. Time to get ready for battle… I mean shopping. We all stumble out the doors of the restaurant and take the subway to Bloomingdales. Allie gets to action. She’s a little robot picking up dresses and throwing them at me. I’m in a complete daze. Catching dresses and stacking them in my arms while following the trail of smoke Allie leaves behind her. 

After catching 15 dresses we make our way to the dressing room. Allie goes into the dressing room and orders the dresses by color and size. Mai sits in a chair very giddy from the mimosa after effect. I stand in the middle of the room, in my underwear, petrified.

What's a girl to do??

After trying on 15 dresses we decide on the perfect one. The price tag says 257 dollars.  This is absurd, why on earth are weddings so expensive? Even for the guests. Allie places one hand on my shoulder and tells me not to worry. She has coupons. When all is said and done the dress was 69 dollars. Perfect. What can I say? Allie is really THAT good.

I call my boyfriend to let him know that after weeks of freaking out, panic attacks and wondering about marriage I found the perfect dress. His response:

“I don’t know why you were so freaked out. We’re only staying there for an hour. I have guests staying with me this weekend.”

An hour?! What?? You mean I suffered through this whole ordeal for an hour? I don’t even get to eat wedding cake?

The universe is trying to tell me something. Mother’s want their daughters to find someone and settle down. Facebook wants to trick you into thinking that everyone you know is either engaged, in a new relationship or having children. Me? I think all these signs are to get me to start thinking about what I really want out of life. It may not be marriage right now but it could be in the future. I’m not on the same ticking clock that my mother was at my age. I’m moving at the beat of my own drum. To think a dress sparked this realization. This is why shopping is a girls best friend.

Ps. I convinced my boyfriend to at least stay until we had dinner at the wedding. After all, I do have a love affair with food.